The Rescue Wing

You know, I was thinking the other day that to make up for all the chickens that have been slain in order to provide my pallet with delicious wings, that maybe I should give back to the chicken community. I think I’m going to rescue a chicken. And I don’t mean go to some chicken pound, and fill out papers to adopt it. I mean kick down the barn door at some farm, wrestle the gun out of a farmer’s hand, pistol whip him, and take off running with the chicken. Because that my friends, is how to rescue something.

I think I’m going to get a lot of negative feedback on this post, but like always, I have to preach my own opinion. I am somewhat bothered with the term “rescue,” and think it’s being used too loosely. I feel like this is something that has gained popularity in the last five years. When I was a kid and someone asked you where you got your pet, you would say, “we bought it,” or “we adopted it from the pound.” I don’t think I ever heard, “oh, it’s a rescue,” until around 2006. I think this coincided with the time it started becoming cool to save the planet. This is the same time when the entertainment community started trading in their Benz’s and Bimmer’s for Prius’ and Civic’s. My thoughts are if someone wants to buy a pet, that’s their choice. If someone wants to adopt a pet, that’s great too. But I don’t need people on their high horse telling me how they rescued an animal. You didn’t rescue the animal. You didn’t barge into the killing room of a pound while a poor little puppy was in some vet assistant’s hands about to be stuck with a needle. If you did, that’s fucking awesome, and you should tell everyone that you rescued your animal. It would probably guarantee that you get laid. But unless you did that, or went into a burning building to save your animal, or pulled your animal out of a flood, don’t tell me that you “rescued it.” Nowadays, many pounds don’t even euthanize unless there is a health problem with the animal. If you got a pet from a place that does euthanize, that pet probably still would have been adopted. Let’s face it; there aren’t many people who choose an ugly pet, so whatever cute little pet came home with you probably would have been adopted even if you weren’t the one who did it. So maybe we should change the term to “oh, I rescued it because it’s ugly and surely would have been put down if I didn’t do something.” I think I can allow that.

So if you saved your animal from the clutches of a vet assistant when it was about to be euthanized, rescue it from a burning building, pulled it out of a flood, or is ugly. Then you’re allowed to call it a rescue. Otherwise, let’s stick to the facts and quit acting like Mother Theresa. Your pet is adopted.