Car Window Stickers

I was on my way to Big Wang’s to get some hot wings and cheesy bread, and I saw something that has bothered me for some time. There was a mini van with stickers on the back window. Each sticker was a silhouette of a family member with their name underneath the sticker. I would like to know if people do this in other parts of the country or if it’s just a California thing? I started noticing these stickers when I moved to LA and wasn’t sure if the timing coincided with my move, or if it’s just something people do in this part of the country.

You might as well put a sticker on the back window that reads, “Hey, all you kidnappers and peder-asses out there. Let me make it easier for you to make my child a victim.” Because that’s all you’re doing. Let me put a silhouette of a child on the back of my car and put his/her name underneath it so every weirdo in the world knows what my kid’s name is. Makes it a lot easier for some guy to see who my kid is, walk up to them, and say, “Hi, Johnny, I’m friends with your mom, Rebecca.” And yes, this weirdo does know what your name is because there is a silhouette of a woman on the back window that says “Rebecca.” Are people retarded? I can’t be the only person who has thought of this.

Now let’s assume that you are not trying to invite harm with these stickers. Why do you have them? Do you think it makes your van look cute? Do you think that people will see you pull up to soccer practice in your Honda Odyssey wearing your new outfit from Forever 21, with your family on the back window, and think that you’re an awesome mom? Maybe you don’t think that, which is why you decide get the more hip silhouette where every figure is wearing a luau skirt, like you just got off the fucking plane from Hawaii. “Yeah, that will make me a cool mom.”

What about the people who put a sticker of Hawaii on their cars. What makes Hawaii better than every other state where they deserve to put a sticker on their back window? It looks like Paul Bunyon came by and shot a load across the rear window of your car.

Don’t get me started on people who have a sticker of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo. I mean, fuck, let me just drive out to the 909, buy a set of truck balls, a case of Rock Star, and some Affliction gear, and head to the X Games. That would make me really awesome. I bet that’s what Sal Masekela did when he was hired to do coverage for ESPN 2. For those of you reading this that don’t live in Southern California, do yourselves a favor and Google “The 909.” First thing that comes up is the urban dictionary’s definition, which reads, “The area code in Southern California for Riverside and San Bernardino County; usually associated with white trash.” There are lots more on the internet regarding the 909, which could be a whole blog in its own. (Hmmm, maybe I should start that)

Anyway, there aren’t many stickers that look good on your car. So just don’t buy them. I know when you’re at the check out line at REI your thinking, “man, that HB sticker would look sweet on my Jetta.” Guess what, it won’t. So leave the stickers to soccer moms trying to act hip, douchey Hawaiians, and Juggalo’s. And if you don’t know what a Juggalo is, Google that shit too. They’re a whole different type of fuck tards.