Proper Wing Consumption

One of my readers stresses upon what a wing should look like when finished. If there was ever a wing book, he would write the chapter on the proper way of eating a wing. He went to EJ Malloys, which has been reviewed as the best wing place in LA, and took a before and after picture of the wings. The way they look post wing session is what you need to focus on. The after picture was sent with this quote,

"Oops. I got a little bone in that bite. Just a normal hazard of a good wing session."

Everyone take note. You can learn something from this reader. Check out the before and after pics below.

***note: they are on different plates because the reader forgot to take an after pic at Malloy's. Luckily for us, the wings are so good at Malloy's that he took an order to go. He ate a few when he got home so we could get an after pic.

Dyson Airblade

This was sent to me from a loyal reader. The Dyson Airblade. A revolution in the hand drying excperience. This man is a genius.

Wing Etiquette in a Group Setting

So, I have a request to do a post regarding wing consumption in a group setting. I appreciate the feedback and encourage you guys to make suggestions for anything you would like addressed.

First things first, make sure you get a heat index that everyone agrees upon. It’s no fun going out for wings and having someone not eat because the wings are too hot for them. Second, I like to have an individual sauce. I’m definitely a double dipper, and I don’t like having to dump sauce on my discard plate in order to be courteous to others. I personally could care less if someone double dipped, but some people get pissy if you do so. These are the same people who get pee shy and insist on taking over the whole urinal trough because they feel like someone is going to touch their junk while pissing. The third thing is to make sure you suck the bone dry. No one likes someone who leaves gristle on the bone. Other than that, feel free to crush some wings. Don’t worry about looking like a pig while chowing down on some tasty wings. Let’s face it, you didn’t go to some high class hoity toity place to eat lunch, you went to a wing joint. Everything is acceptable. Finger licking, double dipping, sauce around the mouth, sauce on the shirt; it’s all good. Also, you are out with buddies. It’s not like you’re going on a business lunch to a wing joint (although I have done that before). So feel free to go out and let your freak flag fly. You’re with friends, don’t feel ashamed if you’re a finger licker or, like one of my friends in particular, tend to spill whatever you eat on your shirt. Oh, and make sure you eat more than your friends.

Alondra Hot Wings

This is what happens when you try and eat an Atomic wing from Alondra Hot Wings(review soon to follow)

The Airport Ride

I was just scheduling a wing date with a friend of mine and he asked if I could pick him up. I figured, sure, no problem. It’s not like I had to go get him in the middle of rush hour. It was on a Saturday afternoon. Probably the best time to be on the road. As I was driving over to his house I was thinking how the only ride I am opposed to giving is the Airport Ride.

The Airport Ride may be the worst thing someone can ask for. It is always at some obnoxious time. People assume that being taken to the airport at 5am or during post work traffic is cool. Or maybe they decide to get back into town at 11:00pm on a Saturday, just in time to fuck up your plans for the night. Not only do they think it’s cool, but they assume it is expected in return for their friendship. You know what; if people insist on asking for an airport ride then they need to plan their trip around my schedule. Not try and get the bargain basement fare that saves them $30 but means that they leave at the ass crack of dawn. If you want to get that bargain basement price then use the money you save to park your car in the $10/day lot, or spring $30 for a cab. Getting to the airport is part of your trip, so figure that shit out before you ask me the day before your flight to give you a ride. I have driven people 5 hours to pick up a motorcycle because I’m the only one who has a truck. I am more likely to do this than I am to agree to an airport ride. Half the time, your flight changes and you’re calling me asking if I can come get you an hour later because your flight is delayed. Nope. Your ass can wait at the Chili’s bar in terminal 6 while you wait for the plane. All I’m saying is if you decide to drop a grand on airfare and hotel to go to Miami Beach for the week, factor in the $60 it will cost to get to and from the airport. It’s a cost affiliated with travelling. Work it into your budget you cheap bastards.

The Ugly Wing

What’s going on people? So I’m hoping that you’re enjoying the blog so far. I know sometimes I can be a little extreme and you may not agree with some of my thoughts, but if that’s the case, please, leave a comment so I know how to steer these things. One question that has been posed is why I don’t review places during every post. The main reason is because there are only so many wing joints in LA County, and so far I have gone to 20 of them. I do not want to run out of places I can review too quickly. Also, I think it will be easier to understand how I come up with my ratings if you know how I think. Well class, that being said, on to the next subject.

I like to think that I’m not the only person who feels this way. I hate it when a batch of wings comes out and one of them is ugly. And when I say ugly, I mean fucked up looking. Like the particular chicken was bred in Chernobyl. You know what I’m talking about, the wing that has nubs on it and looks like the elephant man. When the waitress puts the plate on the table, you can definitely see the look of disappointment on my face if one of them is a Chernobyl wing. If I had an ugly baby, this would be the same look I’d have once it pops out. So my question is…is an ugly wing the same as an ugly baby?

I feel like there are a few that need to be discussed in order to come to a conclusion.

First of all, what is the probability of getting a Chernobyl wing? Is it the same probability of having an ugly baby? I don’t think the probability can be the same because ugly wings probably depend on the butcher, where ugly babies depend on the parents.

Secondly, is the popularity factor the same for ugly wings and ugly babies? Ugly babies grow into ugly kids. And we all know that little ugly Johnny is not going to be picked first in kickball. No, he will be picked last. In similarity, when I eat wings, I steer clear of that ugly wing until the very end. In fact, I try and eat my half of the wings faster than my wing date so he ends up getting stuck with the retarded wing.

Next, a cook has the choice of throwing away an ugly wing. He never does this, which is why you end up getting stuck with the ugly wing, but he could if he wanted to. The doctor doesn’t have the option to throw the baby away once it pops out. But that raises a good question. Would a doctor throw an ugly baby away if there were no repercussions? Is that how dumpster babies come about? Are they just rejected ugly babies? Hmmmm? And this marks the point where I lose any support of this blog that I once had.

Moving on. I guess the only similarity an ugly wing has with an ugly baby is the popularity factor. So no, an ugly wing is not the same as an ugly baby. I guess what I’m trying to get at is I don’t want to see an ugly wing and I don’t want it on my plate. I pretty much want to forget that ugly wings exist. I feel the same way about ugly babies. One person told me that ugly babies usually grow into their looks, whatever that means. I think she probably just has an ugly baby and doesn’t want to admit it. But what I’m getting at is that I don’t want to know they exist. I realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but come on, you know when you have an ugly baby. So for all of you ugly baby parents out there, do me a favor and stop with the ugly baby picture posts that you are putting up on your Facebook wall. If you want to share the pics with people, upload them into an album so they don’t pop up on my news feed.

Thank you. Please direct all hate to the comments field.

Hooters Is No Longer Relevant

What happened to Hooters? I’m not saying that they ever had good wings, but there was a time when Hooters was the place to go. If there was a big game on, you’d go to Hooters. Happy hour after work, let’s go to Hooters. Visiting a new city, gotta get to Hooters to buy a new shirt. Remember when it was cool to sport your Daytona Beach Hooters shirt? I used to look at that person and think, “wow, that guy is well travelled.” Not anymore. Hooters shirts are almost as unfashionable as Ed Hardy shirts.

When I was younger, my friend’s cousin worked at Hooters and drove an IROC with t-tops. I thought she was the baddest chick ever. If I met someone like that now, I would think they’re the trashiest chick ever. At one point you had to look good to work at Hooters. In college, I had a classmate who worked at Hooters. She was 4’10” and was busted, in both meanings of the word. Her double d’s were probably the only reason she got the job. She kind of looks like Snooki. Those looks were not acceptable at the Hooters of yesterday.

Maybe if Hooters focused on their wings they might still be relevant. Their wings are horrible. They taste bland and don’t have good heat. And why do they look so fucked up? Were these chickens killed while taking flight? Why is the wing in the shape of a ‘V’? The Hooters wing looks like something a nerd designed for Lamar’s limp wristed throwing style.

As much as I hate the wings at Hooters, I’m kind of sad that it doesn’t have the allure it once did. Hooters is an example of why the terrorists hate us. Anyone who figures out a way to exploit women and have it be socially acceptable is alright in my book. That is the only reason I like Hooters. And when I go there, I make sure not to order the wings because they are dog shit.