Someone Challenged My Winghood - Part 1

So the other day I was worried because someone had questioned my winghood. This so called friend said,

I went to school inupstate NY

And consider ranch dressing an abortion to wings

Now obviously the first thing that came to mind was how many grammatical errors are in this email. I’m not trying to say that my grammar is amazing, but that is written pretty badly. Then I wondered if maybe he wrote this on his cell phone, but I didn’t noticed one of those annoying signatures that said “sent from (blank) phone,” or “sent using the Sprint network.” But maybe he changed his phone settings so it doesn’t leave the automatic signature because one time in the past he responded to his boss’ email with his blackberry while on the golf course. Then his boss thinks it’s odd that he didn’t use his computer when he is supposed to be at his desk, so his boss takes it upon himself to check his desk and make sure he didn’t leave work early. On his way to his desk he runs into Tim in accounting, and Tim rats you out for taking off early because you had a 2:30 twilight tee time at Trump International. Now, I’m out of a job and just dropped $150 on a round of golf all because Tim in accounting doesn’t know how to help a brother out and tell a white lie. Thanks Tim. Not saying that this scenario has happened to anyone, but let’s just assume that this friend who sent the email was using his smart phone and no longer has the automatic signature.

The second thing that came to mind is how cocky this friend is. He assumes that he is part of an elitist society that governs the way hot wings should be eaten because he went to school in upstate New York. This is based on the idea that Hot Wings originated in upstate New York. But I’ve lived in California for 5 years, and that doesn’t mean I gained the ability to drive like an asshole.

Then I started to think about it. Maybe if you live in upstate New York for a few years you do become the Kelly Slater of hot wing connoisseurship and can make statements like, “ranch is an abortion to wings.” I definitely have gained the ability to drive like an asshole in the five years I have lived in California. If he is part of this society of champions, then I feel ashamed because I eat my wings with ranch. Has my whole experience with hot wings been tainted because I have been eating my wings with ranch? Is bleu cheese the only acceptable dressing to accompany the hot wing? Was I missing out on some sexual explosion in my mouth that is created when the hot wing, bleu cheese, and taste buds connect for the first time? I replied to my friend’s email and asked him what he bases this theory on. He said,

You shouldn’t be allowed near a wing with ranch dressing.

The formulas was developed and perfected with blue cheese.  Ranch dressing is too earthy and too mild to balance out the spice of a wing…and too drippy..you need a firm blue cheese to really adhere to the wing…it’s a dip..Not a sauce.

Once again, let’s assume this was sent from his smart phone and excuse the grammatical errors. When you read this statement, it kind of makes sense. I especially like how he says “ranch dressing is too earthy.” Not really sure what that is supposed to mean. I don’t know, maybe it’s something that people from Long Island say. Or maybe I’m just not as cultured as he is.

Needless to say, he makes a good point. So I’ve decided to make a trip to Big Wangs, in downtown LA, and test this theory. I am picking Big Wangs because it has a good wing, and I need a constant to test against both ranch and blue cheese. Also, it’s only a few blocks from my place. Tonight I will take meticulous notes of the new experience and come up with a conclusion of my own. Expect part two of this blog tomorrow.