The Rescue Wing

You know, I was thinking the other day that to make up for all the chickens that have been slain in order to provide my pallet with delicious wings, that maybe I should give back to the chicken community. I think I’m going to rescue a chicken. And I don’t mean go to some chicken pound, and fill out papers to adopt it. I mean kick down the barn door at some farm, wrestle the gun out of a farmer’s hand, pistol whip him, and take off running with the chicken. Because that my friends, is how to rescue something.

I think I’m going to get a lot of negative feedback on this post, but like always, I have to preach my own opinion. I am somewhat bothered with the term “rescue,” and think it’s being used too loosely. I feel like this is something that has gained popularity in the last five years. When I was a kid and someone asked you where you got your pet, you would say, “we bought it,” or “we adopted it from the pound.” I don’t think I ever heard, “oh, it’s a rescue,” until around 2006. I think this coincided with the time it started becoming cool to save the planet. This is the same time when the entertainment community started trading in their Benz’s and Bimmer’s for Prius’ and Civic’s. My thoughts are if someone wants to buy a pet, that’s their choice. If someone wants to adopt a pet, that’s great too. But I don’t need people on their high horse telling me how they rescued an animal. You didn’t rescue the animal. You didn’t barge into the killing room of a pound while a poor little puppy was in some vet assistant’s hands about to be stuck with a needle. If you did, that’s fucking awesome, and you should tell everyone that you rescued your animal. It would probably guarantee that you get laid. But unless you did that, or went into a burning building to save your animal, or pulled your animal out of a flood, don’t tell me that you “rescued it.” Nowadays, many pounds don’t even euthanize unless there is a health problem with the animal. If you got a pet from a place that does euthanize, that pet probably still would have been adopted. Let’s face it; there aren’t many people who choose an ugly pet, so whatever cute little pet came home with you probably would have been adopted even if you weren’t the one who did it. So maybe we should change the term to “oh, I rescued it because it’s ugly and surely would have been put down if I didn’t do something.” I think I can allow that.

So if you saved your animal from the clutches of a vet assistant when it was about to be euthanized, rescue it from a burning building, pulled it out of a flood, or is ugly. Then you’re allowed to call it a rescue. Otherwise, let’s stick to the facts and quit acting like Mother Theresa. Your pet is adopted.

Are Sweat Pants Appropriate In Public?

“Are sweats appropriate attire in public?” More often than not, I wear sweats to a wing session. I think it’s because of the elasticity, and the fact that I don’t care if wing sauce or wing dip get on my sweats. If you insist on wearing sweats in public, I recommend sticking to these criteria. First, make sure they have a logo on them, to signify some sort of fashion. I rock Puma sweats, but Addidas or Nike also work. Second, make sure they don’t have elastic ankles. These are the sweats that are baggy throughout the leg and tight at the bottom. Very douchey. Third, make sure they have pockets. I think if they are made with pockets then that tells me they are made to be worn in public. As long as you stick to these three things, you will be good to go.

Afterthought:

Let’s examine this. I’m writing in Starbucks at 9:30 in the morning wearing sweats. Everyone around me is in a suit and tie with blackberry’s in hand. Do I feel out of place? Yes. Do I care? No. Why is it that people go to Starbucks to do work. I could do the same thing in my apartment and just make a cup of coffee. I would probably save myself about $15 a day if I did this. So why is Starbucks so much better? Because of the people watching. I can come here and see people from different walks of life. While the Pac 10 basketball tournament was going on, not only did I get to see L.A. people, but also red necks from Washington and Oregon, nerds from Cal, and douchey jersey shore types who tend to congregate in Phoenix and Tucson (these are the people who think that Rehab at the Hard Rock is still the place to be). Then I look at myself. What do people think of me, sweat pants guy? They probably look at me the same way I look at them. Being the bottom of the barrel for people in a given area. So maybe we can just conclude that Starbucks is a congregation for people who are fashionable rejects. But if it means me being comfortable while being “at work,” then I’m fine with that.

Proper Wing Consumption

One of my readers stresses upon what a wing should look like when finished. If there was ever a wing book, he would write the chapter on the proper way of eating a wing. He went to EJ Malloys, which has been reviewed as the best wing place in LA, and took a before and after picture of the wings. The way they look post wing session is what you need to focus on. The after picture was sent with this quote,

"Oops. I got a little bone in that bite. Just a normal hazard of a good wing session."

Everyone take note. You can learn something from this reader. Check out the before and after pics below.

***note: they are on different plates because the reader forgot to take an after pic at Malloy's. Luckily for us, the wings are so good at Malloy's that he took an order to go. He ate a few when he got home so we could get an after pic.

Dyson Airblade

This was sent to me from a loyal reader. The Dyson Airblade. A revolution in the hand drying excperience. This man is a genius.

Wing Etiquette in a Group Setting

So, I have a request to do a post regarding wing consumption in a group setting. I appreciate the feedback and encourage you guys to make suggestions for anything you would like addressed.

First things first, make sure you get a heat index that everyone agrees upon. It’s no fun going out for wings and having someone not eat because the wings are too hot for them. Second, I like to have an individual sauce. I’m definitely a double dipper, and I don’t like having to dump sauce on my discard plate in order to be courteous to others. I personally could care less if someone double dipped, but some people get pissy if you do so. These are the same people who get pee shy and insist on taking over the whole urinal trough because they feel like someone is going to touch their junk while pissing. The third thing is to make sure you suck the bone dry. No one likes someone who leaves gristle on the bone. Other than that, feel free to crush some wings. Don’t worry about looking like a pig while chowing down on some tasty wings. Let’s face it, you didn’t go to some high class hoity toity place to eat lunch, you went to a wing joint. Everything is acceptable. Finger licking, double dipping, sauce around the mouth, sauce on the shirt; it’s all good. Also, you are out with buddies. It’s not like you’re going on a business lunch to a wing joint (although I have done that before). So feel free to go out and let your freak flag fly. You’re with friends, don’t feel ashamed if you’re a finger licker or, like one of my friends in particular, tend to spill whatever you eat on your shirt. Oh, and make sure you eat more than your friends.

Alondra Hot Wings

This is what happens when you try and eat an Atomic wing from Alondra Hot Wings(review soon to follow)

The Airport Ride

I was just scheduling a wing date with a friend of mine and he asked if I could pick him up. I figured, sure, no problem. It’s not like I had to go get him in the middle of rush hour. It was on a Saturday afternoon. Probably the best time to be on the road. As I was driving over to his house I was thinking how the only ride I am opposed to giving is the Airport Ride.

The Airport Ride may be the worst thing someone can ask for. It is always at some obnoxious time. People assume that being taken to the airport at 5am or during post work traffic is cool. Or maybe they decide to get back into town at 11:00pm on a Saturday, just in time to fuck up your plans for the night. Not only do they think it’s cool, but they assume it is expected in return for their friendship. You know what; if people insist on asking for an airport ride then they need to plan their trip around my schedule. Not try and get the bargain basement fare that saves them $30 but means that they leave at the ass crack of dawn. If you want to get that bargain basement price then use the money you save to park your car in the $10/day lot, or spring $30 for a cab. Getting to the airport is part of your trip, so figure that shit out before you ask me the day before your flight to give you a ride. I have driven people 5 hours to pick up a motorcycle because I’m the only one who has a truck. I am more likely to do this than I am to agree to an airport ride. Half the time, your flight changes and you’re calling me asking if I can come get you an hour later because your flight is delayed. Nope. Your ass can wait at the Chili’s bar in terminal 6 while you wait for the plane. All I’m saying is if you decide to drop a grand on airfare and hotel to go to Miami Beach for the week, factor in the $60 it will cost to get to and from the airport. It’s a cost affiliated with travelling. Work it into your budget you cheap bastards.